Toni-Marie











{June 1, 2009}   Not the ’09 I imagined…

2009 was meant to be the year of me. It I have failed to live up to expectations. Lets face it if things played out the way they were set to in 07. I’d be planning a wedding, out on tour, the life of the party, living a life others dream of, most probably living in London. Instead I am what I am. I promised myself in January that I would reclaim a part of that girl this year. And so far I’ve failed.
It’s simple I don’t like who I’ve become, I live an existance that revolves around my work, and most of the time I feel like I fail at that.

I lost someone a couple of weeks ago to suicide, something I’m quite familar with, but for some reason, I feel like this has kind of shocked me out of my slump. I feel the need to start making some decisions making some steps forward, putting my foot down in other areas of my life. And just fucking living. I’ve had all these plans that are sitting there un-acted upon, and they deserve to see the light of day. I don’t care if I don’t live for a long time, but I do care if I die un-accomplished, if I die with an unfulfilled life.

I’ve started to do more for myself, I’ve put certain things in place regarding a certain business venture, and I’m working/volunteering/teaching at a kindergarten, and I love my kids hardcore, I get attached I don’t know how you can’t not, obviously for privacy reasons I wont be talking much about it here, but it gives me an inner sense of fulfillment. I love kids, they just have a way of making everything okay, maybe it’s their innocence. I can get out of bed grumpy as all hell, going ‘why the hell, did I say I’d do this’ then I walk in the gate and the smiles on their faces, and the happiness that radiates from them eradicates all of that.

I’m making changes, I’ve decided I don’t want my life back from ’07. I’m better without him in my life, I just want the same happiness and fulfillment I felt, I want new adventures, I want to do things on my own again, to feel like I’m giving as much as I’m taking.To be healthy and happy.

harleymeTo be someone he can be proud to look up too.

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{April 30, 2009}   Sick like swine…

I’ve been a sick little chooky for the past little while. I even took a day off sick on Sunday, and spent it in bed, but alas the real world calls and I’m back at work. Even though I probably shouldn’t be. But hey it could be worse, it could be swine flu?! Or is it?! No I had it long before swine-flu broke world wide, and I haven’t had any recent trips to Mexico. Although, I must say I do feel for the poor hospitals¬† who must be seeing all the hypochondriacs out in full force.

I’ve been planning and plotting my return to the real world. I really don’t feel like I’ve been living as much as I could be lately. It kind of came to a head today, when I made some decisions I probably needed to make before things got to the point they did, in regards to one particular person. I’m realising that I have the potential to hurt certain people in much the same way other people have the potential to hurt me. And it’s not exactly a good feeling. Things can feel completely superficial and vain in my head and somewhat deep and profound to someone else.¬† In some ways it makes me feel the need to censor myself more. In the end though, I can’t constantly censor myself for the sake of others feelings and nor will I. I am who I am.

Also for future reference, unless I’m totally into you, which is unlikely, romantic gestures creep me out.



{February 12, 2009}   Welcome

Welcome.
Toni-Marie

Somehow every twelve months, I end up cleaning house.
Deleting everything and starting over.
In hopes of a new beginning, I suppose.
That nieve anticipation that this next stage will be better than the last. Kind of my version of a New Years Resolution, like when you tell yourself how much weight you’ll lose, or how you’ll stop wasting so much time sitting in front of the TV.
Either that or my way of spring cleaning.
My new home on the interwebs. Plus I’m kind of psyched because this way, I no longer have to add WordPress upgrades to my server, which makes my whole blogging experience a hell of a lot easier.

If you’ve traveled over here from my last blog, or from one of my many social networking sites, good to see you again. And if your brand-spanking new and stumbled on in here, welcome.

This is my corner of the interwebz, I plan to talk about whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want.
My exploits and debauchery.

My Mother will probably be reading this though, so tales of her exploits will probably be limited.
Although trust me when I say her stories are much more debaucherous than mine.¬† I mean they don’t call her Boozy Suzy for nothing.



et cetera