Toni-Marie











{June 1, 2009}   Not the ’09 I imagined…

2009 was meant to be the year of me. It I have failed to live up to expectations. Lets face it if things played out the way they were set to in 07. I’d be planning a wedding, out on tour, the life of the party, living a life others dream of, most probably living in London. Instead I am what I am. I promised myself in January that I would reclaim a part of that girl this year. And so far I’ve failed.
It’s simple I don’t like who I’ve become, I live an existance that revolves around my work, and most of the time I feel like I fail at that.

I lost someone a couple of weeks ago to suicide, something I’m quite familar with, but for some reason, I feel like this has kind of shocked me out of my slump. I feel the need to start making some decisions making some steps forward, putting my foot down in other areas of my life. And just fucking living. I’ve had all these plans that are sitting there un-acted upon, and they deserve to see the light of day. I don’t care if I don’t live for a long time, but I do care if I die un-accomplished, if I die with an unfulfilled life.

I’ve started to do more for myself, I’ve put certain things in place regarding a certain business venture, and I’m working/volunteering/teaching at a kindergarten, and I love my kids hardcore, I get attached I don’t know how you can’t not, obviously for privacy reasons I wont be talking much about it here, but it gives me an inner sense of fulfillment. I love kids, they just have a way of making everything okay, maybe it’s their innocence. I can get out of bed grumpy as all hell, going ‘why the hell, did I say I’d do this’ then I walk in the gate and the smiles on their faces, and the happiness that radiates from them eradicates all of that.

I’m making changes, I’ve decided I don’t want my life back from ’07. I’m better without him in my life, I just want the same happiness and fulfillment I felt, I want new adventures, I want to do things on my own again, to feel like I’m giving as much as I’m taking.To be healthy and happy.

harleymeTo be someone he can be proud to look up too.

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{March 19, 2009}  

One time a pretty girl came up to me at a cocktail party, and she asked me,
“What are you doing these days?”
“I am committing suicide by cigarette,” I replied.
She thought that was reasonably funny. I didn’t. I thought it was hideous that I should scorn life that much, sucking away on cancer sticks. My brand is Pall Mall. The authentic suicides ask for Pall Malls. The dilettantes ask for Pell Mells.

-Kurt Vonnegut


et cetera